Jolly Old Saint Nick isn’t always so jolly. To wit, look at the wannabe Kris Kringle in this photo we found in the archives from a Miami Dolphins game back in 2002.

Menacing? Creepy? Downright odd? He could be described as any of those, which got us thinking — what is going through his head while he ogles this cheerleader?

“Wow, the elves must have really hit the gym this year.”

“I hope she ends up on my naughty list.”

“How great is this view? There’s no way the Easter Bunny could get seats this good.”

“I’d like to jingle her bells.”

“I wonder if she’d like to sit on my lap and tell me what she wants for Christmas. Doesn’t matter, it will be nothing but thongs! MOOOHAHAHAHHAHA”

“I still love Mrs. Claus. I still love Mrs. Claus. I still love Mrs. Claus…”

“Santa Claus is coming to town. Well, I don’t know about the ‘to town’ part.”

“Wait ‘til she sees the package Santa has for her this year.”

“Silent night, holy moly.”

“Don’t be afraid to talk to her. You’re Santa Claus, for crying out loud.”

“That’s her, I know it. She’s the one who left me expired milk last year.”

“Wow, it’s amazing how freakishly far my hand is from the rest of my body.”

“My silver bells are actually kind of blue.”

“Ho. Ho. Ho. Well, maybe I shouldn’t rush to judgment.”

Drew Weisholtz is a funny guy. Unless you didn’t like this, in which case he’s simply using a pseudonym. He’s written for ABC and other online outlets and does standup comedy in front of actual people. You can follow him on Twitter @undrstoodgenius.

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