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Finally, Someone Explains All the Sex Going on At Sporting Events

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(Our month of ‘Everything but the Game‘ continues with the topic of stadium sex. Emily V. Gordon was a couples and family therapist before becoming a full-time freelancer writer. She thinks she has this whole ‘sex in stadiums’ trend figured out and has some simple suggestions on how to suggest it to your partner. We’ll let her explain.)

There’s a relatively new phenomenon popping up at sporting events around the country, or at least, a newly filmed phenomenon popping up- public sex. Good old-fashioned, man on woman, horizontal mamboing.

The fad seems to have started in 2008, when a woman attended a football game with her husband. When she suggested her husband join her in the bathroom for a “tight end tackle” (I apologize for that), he declined. She went to the bathroom anyway, and ended up getting arrested for having sex with a 26-year-old stranger. Since then there have been a string of arrests of couples having all kinds of sex in stalls, in the bleachers, wherever feels the most inappropriate at the time. What’s going on? I think I have an idea.

First off, let’s assume that every couple caught in flagrant delicto has to be pretty plastered. Once you’re an adult with your own home, the urge to sex it up in public mostly goes away, unless alcohol is introduced into the equation.

Since we’ve gotten that factor out of the way, guys, let me let you in on a little secret: ladies love it when their feminine wiles are strong enough to pull you away from something important to you — video games, sports, going to a big-boy business meeting in the morning- there’s a reason that every romcom has a scene of the new girlfriend seducing her lover away from his manly duties at some point in the salad days of their relationship. It’s a super turn-on for us to imagine ourselves as Cleopatra, wooing our Julius Caesar away from his claims for Egypt or the Knicks game, our charms completely blinding.

As the inaugural case in 2008 indicates, this woman just wanted to seduce someone at a football game, and settled on a stranger when her husband refused. One woman read about that story in the “weird news” section and thought “Ooh, I wonder if I could do that”, and so on and so forth. Add in how damned easy it is to make cell phone videos, as well as easily available booze, and you’ve got yourself a hot trend.

Is it healthy? The therapist in me says yes and no. I think it’s totally healthy (albeit still illegal) if you’re in a committed relationship, but perhaps a little less healthy if it’s with a stranger or a new lover. If you’re resorting to public sex so early, what are you going to do for your 3rd anniversary? It is the ‘porcelain’ anniversary. I made that up.

If you’re interested in attempting ‘Stadium Sex,’ and want to know how to get your lady to agree, I’ve got a plan or two for you. First, get tickets to a sporting event. In the week leading up to it, spontaneously stop playing video games or watching sports when she walks in the room, and tell her it’s because she’s so breathtaking. (Also, let that be the truth.) Second, show her a story about one of the many couples caught at a game recently and mention that it’s kinda hot. Finally, go to the game, sit back, and wait for her to suggest it or ask her if she’d want to try having sex at a football game. Some ladies like directness.

And sex is always in the Ladies Room. What kind of women do you think we are?

Emily V. Gordon is a couples and family therapist turned freelance writer, comedy producer, and video game talker-abouter. You can find her at Huffington Post, xoJane, and Nerdist! You can find her on Twitter and her own blog too.

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