That Steve Kaplowitz Song Actually Fits Nico Better

For almost 25 years we’ve been playing an altered Adam Sandler song called “Steve Polychronopolis” as Steve Kaplowitz’s theme song. It was on one of Sandler’s early albums and it was just really easy to change “Polychronopolis” to “Kaplowitz”. It’s the song (you’ve heard it if you listen to the MoSho on the reg) that goes, “I’m a big stupid jerk” and then later, “My name’s Steve Mother Trucking Kaplowitz”.

It just dawned on me last week: that song doesn’t actually describe Steve. But it gets Nico Adjemian RIGHT ON THE NOSE!

So, we’ve always made fun of Kappy for several different reasons but it was never because he was a jerk or a mooch. The song just worked using his name.

But do the lyrics ever nail Nico! Let’s break the song down:

“I drink all your beer”

Steve buys his own drinks. I have beer in various hidey-holes throughout my house so Nico won’t drink it all. No joking, if I went out on Monday and bought a 24 case of Coors and then put it in the fridge it would definitely all be gone by Friday, even if I didn’t have a single one myself. I’m sure one day I’m going to find a forgotten stash of 10 year old beer tucked away somewhere.

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“I eat the last slice”

Steve K. is as gracious a host as he is a guest. In the past week alone, Nico Adjemian has TWICE eaten my leftover pizza. He didn’t just “take the last slice”. He took the whole damn pie.

“I’ll give you Charlie horses”

Not Kaplowitz’s style. But Nico is constantly invading my personal space in the form of punches, pokes, purple urples and, yes, even occasional Charlie horses.

“I always need a ride”

I was actually not going to use this one because Nico has his own car and very seldom asks me for a ride. But I found out, live on-air while I was talking about this song, that he borrowed my truck to come to work today. Because he couldn’t find his keys.

“I ask you to buy an extra Yankee ticket and then I don’t show”

OK, not a YANKEE ticket, but on more than one occasion I’ve bought a movie ticket for Nico only for him to pull a no-show. I’m counting this one.

“I’ll leave your gate open so your dog runs away”.

Steve has never left my gate open. Not once. Nico is responsible for at least 30% of all the times my dogs have gotten out of the yard. True, he volunteers to help search the neighborhood for them. For about 30 minutes. Until he says he’s low on gas or miraculously remembers he has an important “appointment” he forgot all about.

So, I apologize to Steve Kaplowitz for airing a slanderous song that doesn’t apply to him at all. If only Sandler’s friend had been named “Nico” instead of “Steve”.