6 Things Guys Do Daily That Makes Them Feel Like a Professional Athlete
We’ve all dreamed of being a professional athlete at least once in our lives. We see the glory that comes with being one of the greatest athletes of all time and we want to know what it’s like to come up victorious in a high pressure situation. We want to know what it’s like to be a living legend; to be the person that ends up on highlight reels for decades.
Most of us will never experience that feeling, but that doesn’t stop us from morphing our everyday actions in to incredible moments of athletic excellence.
Here are 6 things guys do everyday to make them feel like a professional athlete.
Throwing Balled-Up Paper In The Trash
A balled-up piece of paper and an open trash container are more than just paper and a trash bin; it’s a basketball and a hoop. It’s a baseball and a catcher’s mitt. It’s a thing that you have to put in to another thing in order to score a vital point for your non-existent, completely imaginary team.
It can be at work or at home or in class – wherever you are, a trashcan and a piece of paper are always your shot at achieving glory; at being the hero that makes the last second basket or pitches the hard-fought no-hitter. When you throw away that month-old McDonald’s receipt that you found in your jean pocket while doing laundry, you’re not throwing away an inconsequential piece of paper, you’re solidifying your spot in your own personal hall of fame.
Slam Dunking in a Doorway
There’s just something about doorways; something magical. If you watch sports, particularly basketball, a doorway is probably the closet you’ll ever come to dunking like Blake Griffin. And it doesn’t even make that much sense, really. For some mystical reason it’s hard to just walk through a doorway, because in your mind the doorway isn’t a doorway, and the walk through the doorway isn’t just a walk. It’s a transition breakout that makes you feel like LeBron James catching a crosscourt pass from Dwayne Wade for an impressive no-look behind-the-back two-handed jam that shatters the backboard and triggers a blinding barrage of camera flashes and a wild standing ovation from the home crowd and sparks frantic chants of “MVP! MVP! MVP!”
No, you didn’t just walk through the doorway and in to your mom’s house while she’s watching Matlock. You’re the world’s most loved basketball player and by jump about an inch in the air, because you’re definitely tall enough to touch the top of the doorway without jumping but you do it anyway, you are proving that you are the best that has ever lived.
Working against an Arbitrary Clock
3…2…1! EHHHHHHH! That’s what we all hear in our heads when we give ourselves an arbitrary clock that’s ticking down to nothing and we’re using this fake clock to give ourselves some sense of haste. It can be applied to anything – tying your shoes, taking a bite out of a ‘Hot Pocket,’ and it can even be paired up with the aforementioned throwing away of paper. Everything in life is much more dramatic and much more important when the final seconds are ticking down and you have to get your shot off before time elapses, and your hopes for victory evaporate with it.
Of course, there really is no rush when you’re washing the dishes or pumping gas, but adding that shot clock to an otherwise mundane activity can make you feel like a hero, even if for only a moment and only in your head.
Unwarranted Celebratory Dances
Terrell Owens had a knack for over-the-top touchdown celebrations, as did Deion Sanders before him. You, on the other hand, don’t really have much to get that happy about.
You didn’t just slice your way through an opposing defense, breaking down their carefully crafted and selected defensive scheme, thus making them look like amateurs as they attempted, pathetically, to stop your offensive onslaught. No, all you did was get to the McDonald’s only minutes before they stop serving breakfast and handed out the last McGriddle. Yet, you strutted your way up to the door and danced a little salsa jig because you saw Victor Cruz do it for the New York Giants, or you mimed ripping open your shirt and exposing the Superman symbol underneath because Cam Newton makes it look good after he scrambles for a touchdown.
You, on the other hand, are making people uncomfortable and are making others wonder if the police should be called.
Unnecessary Spin Moves, Ankle Breakers, and Jukes While Walking In Among Crowds
Walking through a crowded mall can be an annoyance, but only if you lack imagination and a thirst for glory.
Sure, that may be a family with little children and a withering grandmother in tow, but to you they are much more. They are the hulking, steamy-breathed offensive line, and you are Arian Foster/Maurice Jones-Drew/Adrian Peterson, and the cheese fondue set you purchased on sale from the Macy’s home department is the football. The end zone is just beyond the ominous group of maniacs deadest on preventing your entry in to the Promised Land, aka the Cajun Grill in the food court. So you deke, juke and jive your way passed the loving family out for a day at the mall/murderous behemoths, and you do it subtly so you don’t look like a crazy person. Every little twitch and every foot placement is magnified in your mind so that a simple step to the side and around the family is a dramatic, cutting sidestep that breaks your opponent’s ankles and leaves them wondering how they even made it to the NFL in the first place with such piss-poor tackling skills.
In the end, you may not have proved yourself worthy of being a starting running back on anyone’s fantasy team, but you got to shove some delicious Cajun Grill in to your face in record time.
Kicking A Rock While Walking
Rocks — So every day; so bleh. A rock is just a piece of something lying on the ground. Nothing more. Unless you’re bored out of your mind and need to break up the monotony of a long walk. If that’s the case, a rock is no longer just a rock. It’s a soccer ball and you’re Pele. The open space before you is more than just an endless horizon with your destination nowhere in sight, because with a swift foot and a nice-sized rock with just the right amount of heft that long expanse of nothingness is a soccer field and you have a golden foot that can bend that ball/rock in the most foul and tricky of ways.
With your one swift kick, the rock bounces and skitters maybe a couple of feet away because you totally underestimated the heft of that rock and the power you’d need to kick it. Yes, your big toe is throbbing, but hey, at least you scored the game winning goal in the World Cup and are now getting ready to pull your shirt over your head and slide on your knees, thus making everyone driving by think you’re a danger to others.
Luis Prada is a comedy writer. His work can be found on Cracked.com, FunnyCrave.com, and HolyTaco.com, among others. Luis wants you to visit his Tumblr page, otherwise he will continue to believe that it exists in the internet’s blind spot.