If you think about it, it seems pretty obvious that Lou Bega wrote Mambo No. 5 just to have a go-to for those awkward moments when he calls a lady the wrong name in bed. Accidentally shout out “Jessica” while knocking boots with a Beth? Not to fear – Lou Bega to the rescue. “A little bit of Monica in my life, a little bit of Erica by my side. A little bit of Rita is all I need, a little bit of Tina is what I see. A little bit of Sandra in the sun, a little bit of Mary all night long. A little bit of Jessica here I am, a little bit of you makes me your man.” Do some adorable thrusts as you sing each name and she’ll think you’re Prince Charming!
Introduce Her to Your Pretend Friend
Begin chastising your imaginary friend for walking in at an inopportune moment. Women love creativity and a man with a sense of imagination. Make sure you let your lady know that things are strictly platonic between your imaginary companion and yourself so she doesn’t feel threatened.
Flickr user guglielmo paradisi
Just call Jen the name Hannah? See, the good thing about old names being back in style is you can now kick it to grandma. When Jen gets all offended and the blood starts filling her face, and not in a passionate way – just tell her that’s your grandma’s name. While this may not seem like the sexiest of options, hear me out – tell her that you feel so strongly for her, that you were so overwhelmed by passion, that you couldn’t help but think about the family heirloom ring in your grandmother Hannah’s possession. Jen will melt, your night will continue and then you can have fun ignoring all of her wedding-planning texts in the following weeks.
Tell your lovely lady you were overwhelmed by the power of the Holy Spirit and began speaking in tongues. Chicks love that. If you’re feeling especially zealous, you can then perform an exorcism on her. She’ll thank you for saving her from possession. Promise.
There’s no better way to cover a bad situation than by making it worse. If you scream out your ex’s name while between the sheets with the new girl, just start lighting the blankets on fire while jumping up and down with gusto on the bed. Of course, the only way this night can end is with you running down the street naked. Don’t worry about anyone seeing your bared manhood, it’s impossible to look anything but tough when you run to a backdrop of flames and smoke.
Smethanie, who also answers to Stephanie and Crazy Girl, publishes nonsense on Twitter and recently accepted a grilled cheese sandwich as her lord and savior.