Just a reminder here that Shark Week on Discovery gets started this Sunday, July 24.

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This year, for the first time, there’s going to be a Shark Week Master of Ceremonies….Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

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This is the 25th year of Shark Week, the first airing way back in July of 1987.

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One big change from the Shark Week of 2022 and the one of 1987 is that, originally, Shark Week programming focused mainly on conservation efforts and de-stigmatizing the shark’s reputation as a dangerous killer. In 2022, they have FULLY embraced the scary aspects of the shark world.

Of course, this is often done in a very hyped-up way.  Some of the titles of this year’s Shark Week specials SOUND insane. On closer inspection, most of them turn out to be much more pedestrian.

Today, we’re going to give you some of the ACTUAL titles of new Shark Week shows. Then, we’ll describe, based on the title, what we think the show will be about. THEN, we’ll find out what they’re REALLY about.

Cage Diving With Great White Sharks In South Africa
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TITLE: “The Haunting of Shark Tower”

WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE: Jaws meets The Exorcism of Emily Rose? Maybe there’s an underwater tower somewhere and, who knows, somebody’s seen some spectral shark ghosts?

WHAT IT REALLY IS:   ‘An exploration into whether or not great whites are moving into the coastal waters of North Carolina.'

THE TITLE: “Air Jaws: Top Guns

WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE: Shooting sharks from helicopters? Are some sharks evolving along the lines of flying fish??

WHAT IT REALLY IS:  'Just sharks jumping out of the water and a title that piggy-backs on one of the biggest (and non-shark-related) movies of the summer.'

TITLE: “Great White Serial Kill: Fatal Christmas”

WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE: A baby shark, who saw its parents killed by a man dressed as Santa Claus, seeks revenge by going on a yearly rampage…ON CHRISTMAS DAY!??!??

WHAT IT REALLY IS:   “Forensic evidence is used to identify the shark that killed a surfer off Morro Bay on Christmas Eve”

TITLE: “Jaws vs. Kraken

WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE: How has Sci-Fi Channel NOT done this already???

WHAT IT REALLY IS:   “Evidence suggests great whites and giant squids sometimes fight”

TITLE: “Pigs vs. Sharks

WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE: A hypothetical question about which non-Kosher animal I would rather eat.

WHAT IT REALLY IS:  “Tiger sharks off the Bahamas may be acquiring a taste for the famous local swimming pigs.”

TITLE: “Island of Walking Sharks

WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE: Finally, they’re doing the spin-off of Stallone’s character in Suicide Squad II!

WHAT IT REALLY IS:  “An actual, supposedly scientific look into whether or not sharks in Papua, New Guinea are evolving to walk on land” (!!! I’m making a note to DVR this right now!)

TITLE: “Mechashark:  Love Down Under

WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE: Half-shark, half-machine. He’s headed to the Great Barrier Reef to find his favorite prey…love!

WHAT IT REALLY IS:   “A guy in a one-man submarine SHAPED like a shark goes looking for the great white mating ground off of New Zealand”.  Oh, man!  I’m picturing a shark-shaped submersible made up to look like a “sexy lady shark” with lipstick and a plunging neckline.

TITLE: “Shark Women: Ghosted by Great Whites

WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE: I’m sure you ladies all know what it’s like: you meet a nice shark, you hook up and he SAYS he’s going to call. When he never does, you call HIM and he’s all like “New conch shell…who dis?”

WHAT IT REALLY IS:   “An all-female crew goes looking for missing sharks one of them had been tracking electronically”.

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