Yesterday, in Parts I and II, we decided to take all the high school mascots in El Paso, YISD and Socorro and asked one simple question: which one would win in a fight? Like, if you put a Tiger and Bear in a room with a raw slab of meat, who would win? How about a Silver Fox vs. a Silver Knight?

We established that predatory animals (cougars, lions, tigers, etc.) would win against the herbivores and other non-lethal animals.

PART III: The “Human” Mascots

It’s hard to say for certain which “human” mascot would win against another. Would a Matador (Parkland) best a Conquistador (Del Valle)? Matadors are really good at killing unarmed bulls. A Conquistador probably has a sword, lance, and possibly an old-fashioned musket. But who’s to say the Matador doesn’t have an Uzi hidden in his pantaloons?

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PART III: Inanimate Objects

This section is mostly for Irvin High. You might THINK a Rocket would destroy all of them: bears, conquistadors, cougars…nothing’s going to beat a rocket. Unfortunately, like the thing, the NRA likes to say, “Guns don’t kill people”. A rocket isn’t going to do anything without someone to push the button. Pull the trigger? Full disclosure, I don’t really know how rockets work. Also, “rocket” doesn’t necessarily mean “missile”. A rocket could just be the part that separates from the command module and disintegrates harmlessly in the atmosphere.

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PART III (addendum): Thunderbirds

Sorry, Coronado, but a “Thunderbird” is a mythological creature.

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PART IV: Animals vs. Humans

Americas High is The Trailblazers and Riverside are the Rangers. Both trailblazers and rangers probably have some kind of gun. But, if a gun-wielding trailblazer missed his first shot, it’s possible a tiger or bear or cougar might then tear him limb from limb. So this is a real head-scratcher all right.

Fortunately, this is a moot point because…

PART V: NO ONE Can Beat a Highlander

That’s correct. Bel Air High School has the most deadly, unbeatable mascot. As we all know from the Highlander film and television series, The Highlander is an immortal being who can only be killed by decapitation. It’s all right there in the first movie!

So, unless a Conquistador knew to “go for the head, Thor-style” or a dumb bear just got lucky with a swipe of his mighty paw, The Highlander is just going to keep coming back no matter what you threw at him. So…

Our best prognostication is that the Bel Air Highlander would most likely beat all comers. After all, “There can be only one!”

El Paso Artist Jessie Gandarilla

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While it's true Ray Wylie Hubbard's song "Screw You We're From Texas" is steeped in irony, there is something undeniably extra special about the Lone Star State, so screw everyone else, right?