Here’s Everything I (Think) I Learned from Super Bowl LVII

The Super Bowl is over, the Kansas City Chiefs are champions, Pat Mahomes is the MVP of both the league AND the Super Bowl and a bunch of kids in Bangladesh will be getting cool “Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl Champs” jerseys and hats for Valentine’s Day.

Between the game, the halftime show, and all the commercials I learned a lot from Super Bowl 57. At least, I THINK I learned something. Such as…

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--I guess Nick Jonas has diabetes?

--Paul Rudd finally found a fan base for NON-alcoholic beer: ants.

--Rhianna wore a billowy, red outfit that made her look twice as large. As did Andy Reid.

--The Navy flyover before the game had all-female pilots. Probably because all the male pilots were busy shooting down Chinese spy balloons.

--They’re making a movie about Michael Jordan. Starring two white guys.

--Patrick Mahomes must have Wolverine-like, mutant healing capability. Either that or they’re still shooting injured players up with horse tranquilizers as they did in “North Dallas Forty”.

---Actually, Pat Mahomes probably DOES have some mutant superpowers.

--Somehow they can suspend platforms 60 feet over the field for Rhianna to dance one but they CAN’T get the “non-slippy” kind of grass.

--I’m convinced “Avocados from Mexico” just buy an ad so they can get free Super Bowl tickets. Mexican avocados already make up NINETY-FIVE PERCENT of all avocados sold in the U.S. Who are they advertising AGAINST?

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--I’m starting to think Serena Williams might have a drinking problem.

--So, the E-Trade baby’s kids are regular adults??

--“Crypto” must be over. I didn’t see one ad of some smug celebrity trying to shame me for not getting into this stuff.

--No matter how many times you put it in a TV ad, I’m never going to click a QR code just because it’s on TV. The same goes for restaurants that don’t have menus.