10 Ridiculous Ways the Indianapolis Colts Can Save Their Season
The Indianapolis Colts, which has been one of the NFL’s most respected and successful franchises over the last decade, continued their massive freefall last weekend by dropping to 0-9, following an ugly 31-7 loss to the Atlanta Falcons.
With the Miami Dolphins defeating the Kansas City Chiefs, the Colts now have the dubious honor of being the only winless team in the league. But, hey, there’s no reason to wait until Andrew Luck arrives in town next year — here are some ways the Colts can still salvage this season:
1. Activate Peyton Manning. But only after the NFL honors the team’s request to play the remainder of their games on Madden ’12.
2. Announce to the fans that the team has decided to follow in the footsteps of the Detroit Lions’ 54-year rebuilding plan that’s finally starting to pay off.
3. Sign Terrell Owens. If there’s one guy who can provide a distraction from just how awful the Colts are, T.O. is it.
4. Sign Peyton Manning’s other brother, Cooper. One Manning has got to be better than none, right?
5. Move back to Baltimore. A change of scenery often does a lot of good for people.
6. Bench Curtis Painter. He’s a quarterback, but the team should know he’d struggle. His last name alone tells you he’s better suited to work with water colors than wide receivers.
7. Sign free agent Albert Pujols and hire recently retired Tony La Russa as head coach. Fresh off a World Series title, they can bring a winning mentality to the locker room. Sure, they may not know much about football, but the way the season has gone for Indianapolis, you can say the same for the Colts.
8. Join the NBA lockout until Peyton Manning is healthy again.
9. Sign someone named Aaron Rodgers. It doesn’t have to be the Aaron Rodgers, but the name recognition could get fans into the stadium.
10. Bring in Rex Ryan as head coach while he continues with the Jets. He’s so full of himself, he’d enjoy running in his mouth in two cities.
Drew Weisholtz is a funny guy. Unless you didn’t like this, in which case he’s simply using a pseudonym. He’s written for ABC and other online outlets and does standup comedy in front of actual people. You can follow him on Twitter @undrstoodgenius.